Jihadi Rules of slaughter

It is difficult not to laugh. I tell myself that these people are serious, but my happy childhood works against me and I just want to laugh. The Jihadi Rules of slaughter (according to The New York Times)

Rule No. 1: You can kill bystanders without feeling a lot of guilt.
[Mind you, they're not alone in this one. we mustn't forget our revolutionary forebears for whom the set of 'Innocents' in capitalist society was empty. And of course there's the immortal "Slay them all! God will know his own!" spoken by Arnold Amaury as he looked down upon Beziers during the Albigensian Crusade. The more you look, the more popular this position has been in history.]

Rule No. 2: You can kill children, too, without needing to feel distress.
[Difficult one this. You can't help but admire the fact that this is discussed; most would put it aside until after. Not our Jihadi imams. Comprehensiveness is all. And goes so far as to think of 'after'.

[C]hildren receive special consideration in death. They are not held accountable for any sins until puberty, and if they are killed in a jihad operation they will go straight to heaven. There, they will instantly age to their late 20s, and enjoy the same access to virgins and other benefits as martyrs receive.

Commendable. I do wonder about the age. I mean, given the number of virgins that they have to satisfy, would it be wiser to jump them to, I dunno, 18 or 19, when the hormones are strong enough to keep pumping beyond all sense and reason?]

Rule No. 3: Sometimes, you can single out civilians for killing; bankers are an example.
[This used to be a standard joke on British sitcoms. There could be copyright issues here.]

Rule No. 4: You cannot kill in the country where you reside unless you were born there.
[You get your passport by right of birth - you can kill by right of birth. Sounds reasonable.]

Rule No. 5: You can lie or hide your religion if you do this for jihad.
[Well, it's obvious, isn't it? You can't say that these people ignore the practicalities. I assume Osama has been told. If I were him, I'd go for Kevin, from Slough.

Rule No. 6. You may need to ask your parents for their consent.
[What further proof do you need that these people are serious and only have our well-being in mind (long-term, I mean)? Though I think that "may" shows a bit of pinky flip-flopping.]

(via PJM)